Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
