Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
