as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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