oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
