OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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