My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
