Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
