It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
