I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
