now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
