Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
