Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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