so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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