he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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