Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
