sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
