You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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