hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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