new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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