The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just had sex bonerless
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
