My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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