I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
