i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I want to fling myself into the sun
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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