a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
