she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
