Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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