Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
