I accidentally had phone sex last night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
