I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
