I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
