i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
