i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
