I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
