i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
