I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
