I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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