I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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