I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
