the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
