How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
