Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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