Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
