I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
