I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
