When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
