I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
