i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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