i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
