Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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