I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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