i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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